Wake Up Akatsuki!
by Lethal Temptress
Summary: Pein is not pleased no one showed up for his meeting. Time for a wake up call! WARNING: Rated M for very strong language. Crack. One-shot.
**Author note/warning:** Strong, possibly trigger-worthy, language ahead. This is rated M for a reason.

Despite what the language in this story might suggest, I fully support LGBTQ+ people, identities, relationships and rights.

Also this is _very_ crackish. Just trying to get over a bit of writers block.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't own Naruto, nor do I gain anything from writing these stories.

~Amegakure~

Pein was not pleased. Here he sat at the head of the Akatuski meeting table with no one there to witness how awesome and leader-like he looked. Of course he knew why...it happened to be 7am and all is subordinates were no doubt still in bed sleeping.

Deciding he was not going to tolerate tardiness any longer Pein stood up and began to make his way to the hallway where the bedrooms where located.

First was Kisame's room. He opened the door and was instantly splashed in the face with a torrent of salt water. Now slightly more pissed off and dripping wet he pulled a harpoon he conveniently kept next to the door and gave Kisame a few mean spirited jabs until the shark nin's eyes slowly blinked open. "Meeting. Now." Pein commanded tersely before slamming the door and moving on.

Second was Sasori's room. He hated going in there. Dead. Bodies. Everywhere. Regardless he opened the door to see the living puppet crouched over a table, preparing a female corpse for his version of "art". The Akatsuki leader stood there silent, watching Sasori tinker for a few minutes, his aggravation slowly growing more pronounced. Finally it seemed the puppet noticed him, turning his head, and _only_ his head, 180 degrees to look at him. Pein repressed the grossed out shiver and repeated his command, once again slamming the door.

Then next room belonged to Kakuzu. _This will be easy_ Pein thought. He opened the door, ignored the blanketed figure on the bed, and instead headed strait to an out-of-place portrait on the far wall. Gripping it firmly he removed it, simultaneously revealing a heavy duty safe and triggering the first of Kakuzu's multiple traps. Instantly he was sprung upon by a half asleep Kakuzu who was also disturbingly under dressed. Thankfully he avoided awkward contact by smoothly stepping to the side.

"You're late for today's meeting. Don't you know time is money?" Pein admonished, leaving the door open just to annoy the money grubber further. Who would have guessed the uptight Kakuzu preferred to sleep in the buff?

Pein didn't even bother to stop or open the following door. "Sasuke? What are you doing here?" he said loudly enough for the occupant to overhear. The door slammed open and a bleary eyed Itachi stood there in boxers and hair uncharacteristically in chaos. "Meeting." was all Pein said, never stopping his casual stride, blatantly ignoring the sharingan laden glare he was receiving.

With Deidara no manner of yelling or prodding would work, therefore he made a swift detour to another member's room. Pulling a piece of candy out of his pocket Pein waved it under Tobi's nose like he was trying to revive someone with smelling salts. He had no idea why this woke the child like Akatsuki, as he even slept with his mask on, but if it worked who was he to complain? In short notice Tobi was informed of the meeting and proceeded in following him down the hallway.

"Are you sure Leader-sama?" Tobi asked, bouncing in one place. They stood just outside Deidara's door.

"Yes." Pein reassured, leading the smaller man into the room under false pretenses. He had told Tobi they would wake Deidara up with a "Good Morning Song" but abandoned his promise as soon as they were close enough to the bed. Picking up the masked nin Pein violently chucked him on top of Deidara.

"Whaaa! OOMPF!"

"WHAT THE FUCK, UN?!"

"OH, HAI SEMPAI!"

"You idiot! Gettoffa me!"

"Good morning! Good morning! Good morning to yooou!"

"Stop singing moron! Whats wrong with you?! And that better be a kunai sticking me in the leg, un!"

"...um...A _very_ good morning to you?"

"...💢 ! ! !"

Even with his advanced S-class ninja speed Pein had just enough time to secure the specially installed blast resistant door before the expected explosion went off.

Hidan was next, which shouldn't take long. Pein walked into the room, sidestepping the puddles of sacrifice blood and made his way to Hidan who was collapsed upside-down, half on the bed and half on the floor.

"...zzzzz..."

"Look Hidan, Kakuzu is killing a virgin without performing a ritual."

"...zzzzzz..."

"Itachi and Sasuke made amends and are now in an incestuous gay love affair. How heathen of them..."

"...zzzzz..."

"Jashin is a punk ass bitch, I'm clearly a superior God."

"...zzzzz..."

"...Kisame used all your hair gel."

"THAT FISH FACED MOTHERFUCKING BITCH ASS CUNT BETTER NOT HAVE USED ALL MY FUCKING HAIR GEL!" Hidan screamed, instantly awake and streaking out of the room towards the bathroom.

The last member was Zetsu, who preferred to sleep half buried in the garden. He claimed it helped him sleep better, to be buried in dirt rather than on a bed. Bypassing the impenetrable fly trap of the slumbering cannibal Pein made his way to the shed. Hauling out the lawnmower took some time, as someone had thought it a good idea to bury it in the very back, but he successfully retrieved it. It only took a few seconds to get the thing going, unleashing a violent gnashing of mechanics. Pein had a hunch such a noise would wake up _any_ of the other members though, with Zetsu being half plant, he supposed it was especially terrifying. Regardless, once Zetsu was awake but disgruntled Pein shut the lawn mower off and informed him of his required presence.

Pein made his way back to the meeting room where he was joined shortly by the newly awakened members. Clearing his throat he picked up a prepared stack of papers, which listed the meeting's key-points, and passed them down the table so each member had a copy.

"Today's meeting will address-"

"How come Konan doesn't have to come to these early meetings?" Deidara grumbled.

Pein paused. The one and only time Pein had tried to wake Konan for an early meeting resulted in a memory he worked hard to keep repressed. However to admit that...

"You're so whipped." Hidan snickered.

Pein raised an eyebrow. "If you would like Konan to join us all you have to do is rip that paper." he dared the Jashinist, gesturing to the meeting handout.

As reckless as ever the silver haired zealot did not hesitate to pick up the piece of paper before defiantly ripping it completely in half. Almost instantly, as if in defense, a swarm of paper surrounded him.

It wasn't until after the Jashinist was reduced to a pile of bleeding and bruised flesh that the papers retreated.

"Anyone else volunteer to wake Konan?" Pein asked loftily.

Everyone shook their heads.

"Well then, as I was saying...Today's agenda will address several issues we have yet to rectify since the last meeting. Kakuzu, why haven't you replaced the refrigerator?"

~End~


End file.
